


bc, ad

by esmethenightdemon



Series: destiel one shots [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Castiel Loves Dean Winchester, Castiel Needs a Hug (Supernatural), Castiel/Dean Winchester First Kiss, Character Death, Dean Winchester Loves Castiel, First Kiss, Hurt No Comfort, I Made Myself Cry, M/M, My First Work in This Fandom, No Dialogue, One Shot, Regret, Short One Shot, The Author Regrets Everything, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-26
Updated: 2020-04-26
Packaged: 2021-03-02 10:47:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23849935
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/esmethenightdemon/pseuds/esmethenightdemon
Summary: before cas came. after dean left.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Series: destiel one shots [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1744231
Comments: 4
Kudos: 17





	1. before cas

with his last dying breaths, dean winchester tries to remember a time before castiel.

he remembers a lot. he remembers picking up women he had no real interest in and dumping them after one night. 

he still did it after he raised from perdition, but that was because he wanted to forget the blue eyed angel. 

he remembers feeling like he couldn't quite trust anyone with sammy, even his closest friends like bobby and ellen. 

he would trust cas with sam's life. 

he remembers a lot. but nothing will ever stand out to him more than the first time he looked into cas's eyes. and just like that, his whole world changed. 

he didn't particularly like cas at first. but he definitely felt a spark that night in the barn. 

with his last dying breaths, dean knows that this is it. cas's grace is too weak to fix him and he is far from chuck's good side.

his head is cradled in cas's lap, his face framed by his angel's calloused hands. cas's eyes are swimming with tears. sam is right next to him, already silently crying. dean hates seeing that on both of their faces. 

"dean," cas starts before trailing off. his deep voice cracked on the single syllabal. 

"it'll be okay," dean responds. he might be thinking of a time before cas, but he's right there. he needs to make sure that cas knows before he bites it. he's coughing now, the movement sending searing pain through his abdomen. he's cold despite feeling so much of cas on his body and he can feel blood rising in his throat. 

he opens his mouth to say something, but he's cut off by a pair of soft lips. 

cas tastes like honey and earth and something sharp, like iron. it's punctuated by the salt from the tears running down both their faces. 

for a second, dean feels euphoria. 

but then his heart slows to a stop, and slowly dean's lips are rendered unresponsive underneath cas's. 

"i love you," cas whispers brokenly. there's no one left in dean's body to say anything back. 

with his last dying breaths, dean tries to remember why he thought he was truly living without his angel at his side.


	2. after dean

cas didn't want to move on after dean. 

he didn't let them give dean a hunter's funeral. he supposed it was because he was still holding out on hope that dean would come back to them. that he would come back to him. 

he knew deep down that it wouldn't happen. 

cas couldn't stop replaying their final moment together. 

he's lived for a millennia. he's seen civilizations torn down and new ones built. he's seen billions of sunsets. he's seen every nebula, every star in the sky. 

and yet, nothing will compare to the feel of dean kissing him. nothing will compare to how bright his soul flared, even for just a second. 

nothing will compare to the utter devestation he felt seeing it wink out. 

he didn't let them give dean a hunter's funeral. cas sat by his love's body for four days before completely breaking down, sobs tearing through his body as bobby and sam dug him a grave. he might of been able to dig it for them in seconds, but he couldn't even find a way to stop the flood coming from his eyes. 

a baby in a trenchcoat, dean called him once. he knew that dean didn't mean it after a certain time. but the words kept circling in his head as he watched sam lovingly lay his brother down. as he watched his friends pour the dirt over his coffin. 

cas loved him. he still does, even though dean is six feet under. 

he can't see him in heaven. and if he dies, he won't go to heaven. he'll go to the empty. 

he's never going to see the only person he loved ever again. 

he was consumed by utter want, even worse than when dean was alive and he couldn't hold him.

he'd do anything to see those forest green eyes again. to see that smile, to hear that laugh. to watch over him while he slept. to listen to him sing along to his casette tapes in baby. to see dean light up every time he saw cas. 

they wasted so much time, cas thought. they could have had so much more, if only they had move past their own reservations. 

he had never felt more regret. 

cas didn't want to move on after dean. and as he tried to go through the motions of his wretched existence, he wonders why he thought he could live without the love of his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> still sorry loves

**Author's Note:**

> I'm....so sorry


End file.
